The experience of the pandemic was one of, if not the most, significant global event to reshape our society in recent history.  It is an event which has done more to attack our sense of complacency than any since at least September 11, 2001.  While the events of that date helped us to recognize that the horrors which occur in other countries can happen in our own as well, COVID hit each of us more personally.  In my own life, nothing has occurred on a global or national level which has brought a greater sense of disruption, fear, and despair.  Facing the real possibility of losing those I love most, not knowing when or if life would ever return to normal, gave me a new sense of urgency to embrace the moment.  And it opened my eyes in a profound way to the pain and suffering of others. [Read more…]

Besides the fear that accompanied the pandemic, the area of my life which was most affected was my relationships.  Having left the church I was pastoring the previous July and begun my residency, I was already experiencing some sense of isolation.  So much of my life had been devoted the relationships in that community, and I felt a deep sense of loss.  Because I frequently worked on Sundays, I did not start attending a new faith community. And then the pandemic hit.  It was no longer possible to interact with a new community, or even see my existing friends or parents. [Read more…]

I remember the day everything changed as the pandemic descended.  I was doing my residency at BroMenn, and my supervisor called me before my shift telling me to meet her in the atrium.  When I arrived, the hospital was eerily quiet.  There were very few people present, no patients walking around, no volunteers present.  There was a tension in the air, a sense of foreboding.  My supervisor told me I was not allowed to see patients for the time being, that more information would be coming. [Read more…]

Just before my final semester in seminary, I took my first unit of clinical pastoral education.  It was a difficult time for me.  I had been struggling spiritually and was increasingly unsure whether I wanted to be a minister.  I decided I would use that summer to discern my path ahead, to complete this hurdle before making a decision.  My supervisor for this unit was a woman named Mary. [Read more…]

Patience is a virtue, but it is not a virtue that I often possess.  I have difficulty waiting for anything, but especially something that I care deeply about.  Long waits filled with uncertainty can be grueling.  When I thought of times of waiting, I immediately thought of the bar exam.  The test was two days long.  The first day was multiple choice and the second day was essay.  I, along with my classmates, had spent the entire summer preparing for the test.  I had memorized boxes of flash cards.  I had attended study groups.  But even after all preparation, when the time came to take the test, needless to say I was very anxious. [Read more…]

When we adopted Pax, we had to take two trips to Korea.  The first trip was to be the longest.  We would be staying in Seoul for nearly three weeks.  During that time, we would meet Pax for the first time.  We would be allowed two one-hour visits, and during those visits the social worker for the adoption agency would observe our interactions to report to the Korean court.  Also during this visit, we would have our hearing before the court for the preliminary adoption order. [Read more…]

For our first anniversary, I wanted to do something special for Kathy, something memorable.  I pride myself on giving meaningful gifts, so I felt a significant challenge for this milestone.  I wanted to give her something as a testament to our unending love.  And because she loves weeping willow trees, I decided to purchase one of these trees to plant in our front yard. [Read more…]

Throughout my school days, into high school and college, I had a group of four friends who formed my core group.  Some would come and go, but these three other people were the ones with whom I felt most comfortable, the ones I always wanted around me.  There was something about the dynamic between us that brought out the best in me.  One was the comedic relief.  He was able to make us laugh even when the strains of school life were weighing us down.  One was the strong person in the group, the one who was willing to stand up to others who antagonized us.  And one was the life of the party, always willing to do something no one else would dare to do.  I considered myself something of a caretaker, the confidant that people would come to when they had a problem.

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Storms were my greatest fear when I was a child.  The loud sounds of the thunder, the flashes of lightning, torrential rain, and blowing winds sent me into a panic.  Every time a storm warning came on the television I forced my parents to retreat to our basement, believing a tornado could be coming at any time.  I saw tornadoes as the culmination of my fears, this powerful vortex of wind which would destroy our home and take our lives. [Read more…]

When I was a teenager, something strange started happening to me.  At random times with no apparent connection, I would become very dizzy.  Things would start to look fuzzy, I would become really clammy.  And then I would pass out.  The first time this happened, thankfully I was at home.  My mother of course panicked.  But I came to quickly.  And I was able to convince my parents that I didn’t need to go to the hospital or the doctor.  I probably just hadn’t had enough to drink or maybe I was coming down with something. [Read more…]