Valentine’s Day is coming! I’ve said through the years that, for lovers, every day is Valentine’s Day.
Often I think people make the mistake of quantifying or siloing Valentine’s Day into the chocolate box of romantic love. Make no mistake, that kind of love, eros, is wonderful, fundamental to many on our human plane.
But Valentine’s Day is more than that. And it’s a holiday particularly relevant to us, because exuding and practicing love is something we happen to be very good at.
I will share with you this writing about love. It’s based on a piece entitled “The Names of Love” written by the heart and soul, founder and head guy of Soul Matters (the organization that creates our materials for small groups, worship, and religious exploration). His name is Rev. Scott Taylor.
This piece celebrates love in the myriad of ways that we experience it in our relationships. Listen for the ways that you actively find, give and receive love in your life.
The part about community is one of my favorites, because it’s talking about us!
When we gather together in worship, we do so in the names of love.
The love of family that brings us into being, allows us to bloom, and then sends us on our way with courage, knowing we can return no matter what.
The love of partnered hearts that teach us to trust and help us know that who we are does not end at the barrier of our own body.
The love of self that is the first secret of happiness, and teaches others to love us.
The love of friends who help us feel seen and sing our song back to us when we cannot hear it with our ears alone.
The love of community that baths us in belonging and calls us to see the needs of others as our own.
And the greatest love: the love that will not let us go, even in our fear, even in our failure, even when we are lonely or lost.
Love invites us home. If we listen, it is doing so, even today. Even now.
We had our Steering Committee retreat yesterday, and you’ll hear more about that soon. One tidbit I will share with you from it came at the very end. Our new and fearless leader Suzie asked us to express something we have gratitude for.
I was the first to speak up, because the answer to that question was clear to me, as I’ve been immersed in it.
I said I was grateful for the vibe that I’ve been experiencing with our congregation in the last couple of weeks. I spoke of being in gathering after gathering, maybe just 2 or 3 more pastorally, maybe an inauguration day movie and dinner, or First Friday fun with friends.
Or our sacred time together as we are gathered now.
I initially thought that this feel good thing was like a high, but it’s not. Instead it’s more like a grounded-ness, connectedness that feels sage.
I spoke of feeling that we’re really doing and being what we were created for. And how deeply blessed and grateful I am for it. For you.
My dears, it may feel like the winds of change are blowing. It’s true that we’re looking at potentially making some revisions, which, for some might be unsettling. For all of us, though, it’s significant.
Last week we talked about the beginnings of our process to find a new home, and of looking more closely at our denominational affiliations.
These are not small considerations. Moving parts, windiness.
While that may be, we always have been and continue to be anchored in love.
I don’t say this word ‘love’ theoretically. It is very much a concrete, action word.
This came up recently in one of our small group discussions. Each of us had to choose one question from a list of about 15 having to do with the theme was Presence.
The question I chose to answer was: At the end of the day: do others feel loved in your presence? This is the spiritual bottom line.
The instructions for choosing a question is to read through them all and be aware of which one speaks to you, calls something in you.
I knew right away this one was my horse.
I shared with my fellow group members that this is, in fact, a very bottom line for me…do others feel loved when they’re in my presence?
This is a beautifully simple question, and deceptively challenging at the same time.
For all of the ways I identify in this world…as a progressive and a pastor, a democrat and a daughter, a minister and a mother….
…a lot of designations that could and probably should be loving. But none of them come inherently branded with the scarlet letter of L for love.
Because we are a religious group doesn’t necessarily mean we bring love to each other or to the world.
Think of all the varying religion tenets, the different political persuasions…
all the myriad of ways that we make self-attributions in the creating our identity… THIS IS ME (THIS IS US).
It’s never a given, though, that an individual or group leads with or is grounded in love.
Back to our Steering Committee retreat. At lunch time, all of gathered around a table, sharing a meal, the question arose for each of us in turn to answer… what are your hobbies?
Several mentioned travel, reading, gardening, biking/hiking.
It wasn’t said, nor did it begin to occur to me to say, “I like contemplating how to make others feel loved by me.”
It’s probably something Jesus would’ve said. I’m in to using my carpenter’s tools to make toys for my nieces and nephews, and generally I like planning new ways for people to feel loved when I’m with them.
Because we follow Jesus and his message rooted in love, a bottom line for us is, always has been, and always should be…do others feel loved by us?
So simple. Could be a mantra. But as mantras often end up… So not-always-that-simple.
If you think about it, Jesus didn’t talk about gay or straight, or liberals or conservatives being inherently better.
He only talked about what love looks like, feels like. And therefore he told stories like we hear earlier about the Good Samaritan.
Do people feel loved when we happen upon them on the road of life?
As mentioned earlier, last Sunday we addressed plans to start our search for a new home, and reviewing our denominational affiliations in order to be optimally aligned to our values and theology.
These things are real, such considerations have their place.
But they will always and forever be second place, behind our commitment to be a beacon of known and felt love.
After I shared with the small group what question/the issue spoke most to me, one wise woman shared that love at times can be a vague word, and she wanted to bring forth more specificity about what this love looked like.
She and others around the table then spontaneously shared what love looked like and felt like from me, both to them individually and in a collective setting.
It was a beautiful gift to receive, and it made me think of the significance of specifying concrete ways that our church makes people feel loved, both within our walls and without.
A reading came to mind that I want to share with you.
It’s based on Rev. Tess Baumbergers Beatitudes for Church Leaders. For our purposes we’ll call it What Love Looks Like at NCC. [I’ve paraphrased a bit.]
As opposed to saying ‘Blessed are the [XYZ]…’ we’ll say, ‘Loving are….’
Loving are you who arrive early and open the church doors. May much be opened for you.
Loving are you greeters and all who practice hospitality. May you find kind welcome wherever they go.
Loving are you who nurture and guide our children. May you in turn be nurtured and guided.
Loving are you who plan and lead worship. May you deepen spiritually.
Loving are all who bring art and music to our church life. May you live in harmony and beauty.
Loving are the tech specialists. May you find meaningful connections.
Loving are you who manage finances and pay the bills. May you know security in a spiritual sense.
Loving are the coffee-makers and food-sharers. May you may be nourished.
Loving are our selected leaders. May you find and practice wisdom.
Loving are action group members. May your time and devotion be rewarded.
Loving are you who attend small groups. May your engagement be returned.
Loving are you who care for people in need. May your own needs be met.
Loving are you who work toward justice. May fairness for you one day flourish.
Loving are you who come to services on Sundays and contribute in a myriad of other ways. May you find fulfillment.
Those manifestations of love lie within the so called ‘walls’ of our church.
Our calling is to exercise concrete, specific, action-based love in the wider community too. Maybe especially so there…doing and being in ways that others feel the presence of love, the presence of God, of Jesus’ message.
I was surprised last summer during a Pride event when I thought we were bringing our loving, outstretched-arms message.
Caroline, Suzie, and I were sitting at a pavilion at this community-wide event, celebrating how cool it is to be such fabulous lesbians.
We had on our NCC Pride shirts, which contain our three go-to/identifier words: Progressive. Spiritual. Inclusive.
Before long a woman came by advertising some other community event.
We invited her to join us (being our inclusive selves), and somehow – I don’t recall how – a conversation emerged regarding her distaste for the word “inclusive.”
She was too polite to say, “I’m thinking of this because of your shirts with this word plastered on it.”
But she did speak of how off-putting the term ‘inclusive’ is to her.
She said that inclusive sounds exclusive to her…not that everyone is excluded, but that’s there’s a club, and you’re invited in. But make no mistake, there’s a club of ‘Us’s’ which then creates the dynamic of exclusivity which fosters the need for those insiders to invite others in by being inclusive.
If you’re ‘in’ something, then there’s also an ‘out’ part.
She said, “If one is truly inclusive by nature, you wouldn’t need to be talking about, it would be a given, with no need for advertisement of it.”
This woman happened to be black, and that left an impression on me.
As a side bar, often we’ll hear people telling a story, and specify that a person was black… “…then this black woman comes up…” and often the ethnicity of the person is completely irrelevant to the telling of the story. Such a specification in that case is an example of othering that many of us never realize.
But in this case, as I have reflected about what she said, I wonder if it is germane. Here was a person who is a part of a marginalized group, who knows what if feels like to be ‘othered.’
I didn’t dismiss her comments as overly sensitive, or overly anything. I just listened. Intently.
I’ve been hearing her words in my head and discerning them in my heart ever since.
Do people feel loved in our presence? Could we be unintentionally be appearing closed when that’s the last thing we want?
I’m not necessarily that we change our tag line, but just that we remain intent, intentional as listeners, as discerners of what it requires of us to live as Jesus lived, for others to feel loved and liberated in our presence.
This brings to mind the words of one of our readings…
…let’s widen the circle until it breaks!
For as long as the circle exists
parts of ourselves will always lie on the other side of the line.
And the circle will never allow the welcome we wish for…
May the circles of our minds and our hearts be ever expanding to the breaking point so that the lines fall away, leaving only the romping of open-field love.
I have three invitations for you now.
- Sometime this week tell someone you know, in specific terms, several things you love about them.
- Make someone you don’t know feel loved by you. It could be as simple as holding a door open for someone, looking them warmly in the eye and saying “I hope today is a really good one for you.”
- I invite you know to offer responses to what you’ve heard. In the name of specificity, perhaps you could offer comments about your thoughts about the woman’s thoughts about our word ‘inclusive’ missing its mark for her.
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